To: POTUS

From: White House Faith Office

Re: Religion messaging

Sir, 

As you can imagine, we have been following with great interest your truths and public comments in the faith space. Of course you are totally correct and, as Secretary of War Pete Hegseth said, the Fake News Media is behaving like those self-righteous Pharisees we read about in the Bible. But we think it might be helpful for us to, with your permission, point out a few things.

First, there’s that AI image you posted of yourself as the nation’s Healer-in-Chief. That’s absolutely what you are and what you wanted to communicate to the American public, as you said. Franklin Graham was spot on when he posted that there was no halo, no crosses and no angels to represent you as Jesus. 

But here’s the thing, sir. Jesus Himself is known as The Great Physician. That’s from one of our favorite Scriptures, where Jesus says in the Gospel of Mark, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” Just like, we would say, the huge number of former Democrat voters who switched to you in the last election.

Anyway, here’s the thing. When Jesus is portrayed as the Great Physician, he’s often wearing a red cloak over a white robe.

So you can understand why even House Speaker Mike Johnson thought it would be a good idea to delete it. Which you did and, Praise the Lord, replaced it with that beautiful picture of Jesus giving you a hug.

Because what a friend you have in Jesus! And, indeed, vice versa. Which you suggested in your post about God playing his Trump card. As opposed, of course, to the Radical Left Lunatics playing their pope card. And shame on Pope Leo for letting himself be played, especially after all you did to get him elected.

We do agree with what you posted about him being soft on crime and terrible for foreign policy. Actually, we’d like to ask (paraphrasing one of President Vladimir Putin’s predecessors), “How many nukes does the pope have?” That would be: as many as Iran has now, thanks to you. Even if, as you said, he wants Iran to have one. 

Still, we do think it’s sometimes the “better course of valor” to take to heart what Jesus said about “turning the other cheek” and not get into a “p__ing contest” with the head of the world’s biggest religious body — which has a lot of members in America.

For that reason, it was, we think, excellent that the vice president got you off the hook by saying “it’s very, very important” for Leo “to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” Who could imagine a newbie Catholic issuing such a caution to the Vicar of Christ? Well played, sir. 

On the other hand, it wasn’t so great that Hegseth asked attendees at a Pentagon worship service to pray with him by way of an adaptation of the famous riff on Ezekiel 25:17 that Samuel L. Jackson delivers prior to killing a man in the movie “Pulp Fiction.” Maybe you could ask the SecWar to dial it back a little when addressing the Lord.

Let’s wrap this up by complimenting you on having that grandma bring you bags of McDonald’s outside the Oval Office the other day. OK, she didn’t come through with a thumbs-down on men in women’s sports. But with that cool new sign, “The Oval Office,” it was just like you were a CEO taking delivery of America’s burgers outside a Marriott conference room. Talk about a common touch!

We do hope you enjoyed your “Royale with cheese” or “Le Big Mac” (a little “Pulp Fiction” joke). And thank you for your attention, sir, to these matters (another little joke).