(RNS) — The reports on Marco Rubio’s meeting with Pope Leo this week were fairly anodyne. Their 45-minute chat was “friendly and constructive,” according to a State Department spokesman. The two “renewed the shared commitment to fostering good bilateral relations,” according to a Vatican statement.

Personally, I’m going with Vatican ambassador Brian Burch’s prediction that the conversation would be “frank.” As in, I imagine, something like the following:

Leo: First, let me get this straight. You started out life as a Catholic, became a Mormon, went to an evangelical church, and now you’re a Catholic again?

Marco: That’s basically right, your Holiness. Kind of like your master St. Augustine. He started off as a Catholic, became a Manichaean, then went back to the faith of his mother, right? Not that I’m comparing myself to him or anything. 

Leo: Nice. And as long as we’re on the subject of religious switchers, what’s the deal with your newbie Catholic vice president telling me to be “very very careful” when I’m talking about theology? When he joined the Church, did he miss the part about the pope’s teaching authority?

Marco: I can’t speak for the vice president. Some people I know with a Yale law degree think they’re entitled to shoot their mouths off even when they don’t know what they’re talking about.

Leo: Sounds like you’re throwing him under the bus.

Marco: If the bus fits …

Leo: Bigger question. Why does the president keep saying I’m in favor of Iran having nuclear weapons? He’s got to know I never said anything of the sort.

Marco: Someone told him that by not supporting Operation Epic Fury you were in effect in favor of Iran having nuclear weapons. And between you and me, he thought if he said that, you’d have to say you are against Iran having nuclear weapons and then he could claim the pope supports the operation. Of course, you keep saying the Vatican is against all nuclear weapons, which isn’t the same thing at all.

Leo: No, it isn’t. 

Marco: But you know him. Once he gets an idea in his head, it gets stuck in there — like a brain worm. Like, before this meeting he told me to tell you that Iran can’t have a nuclear weapon.

Leo: Well, if he feels so strongly about that, maybe he should have thought twice about pulling out of the nuclear deal Obama made. By the way, how’s that negotiation about Iran getting rid of its enriched uranium going anyway?

Marco: No comment.

Leo: Well, then, let me ask this. Have you ever spoken truth to power when it comes to the president?

Marco: Sure, I have. You can be sure I have. Just maybe not as directly as, well, some people.

Leo: You mean like me saying a couple of days ago that if someone’s going to criticize me for proclaiming the Gospel, let him do so truthfully?

Marco: With respect, your Holiness, he’s someone who doesn’t know what truth is and doesn’t know what’s in the Gospel, so he had no idea what you were talking about. Also, you don’t work for him. 

Leo: Well, if you ask me, he’s playing you for a fool. Jerking you around. We have a word in Chicago for people like that. It’s jagoff.

Marco: No comment. 

Leo: Well, good luck to you, Mr. Secretary. It was nice to see you again. And you know that olive branch pen I just gave you? Maybe you could explain what it means to the president.